Collaborate or Commiserate – What’s Your Style?

I love what I do! I consider myself one of those very lucky people who get to do what they are truly passionate about for a living!  My work is built on tuning into what other people are saying (and how they’re saying it) so together we collaborate to shift the results they are experiencing to something even better. That’s the upside!

The other side of the coin is that I am always naturally tuned into conversations wherever I go, constantly noticing the good, the bad, and even the ugly. It’s fascinating … we’re fascinating!

If you listen closely, you’ll hear it too; we are often either collaborating or commiserating. It’s a fundamental set point we choose like being a fountain or a drain.

Let’s talk about commiserating. It comes very naturally for many people … especially when we talk about the weather. How many times have you been part of a random conversation about the conditions outside? It’s not unusual to find us talking about the weather being too hot, too cold or, if you live here in the Pacific Northwest, too rainy. That’s commiserating!

Problem is, it often doesn’t stop with the weather. There isn’t an aspect of our life that’s sacred or immune from commiserating. Everything is fair game when we’re in the mindset and energy of what’s wrong with our lives.

Just last week I was sitting at a table next to what appeared to be a group of co-workers with a whole lot of “…and another thing…” going on. As the conversation and complaining escalated all around the table, their options diminished for a fresh perspective or for a mutually supportive approach to their situation; actually the options totally disappeared.

The conversation was going south, the group was getting testy, and the negativity was palpable. I sure was glad not to be at that table!

That’s what commiserating does. Although it can be temporarily cathartic, the truth is there is no long term value. If you find yourself in that type of conversation then you are stuck; stuck recounting and recycling the past, the old energy, the already lived experiences. There’s no exchange of fresh ideas or options which means that all you’re doing is priming yourself to see life the same way and relive the same results … again.

And, commiserating is the chicken way out. It is a highly effective strategy for staying disconnected from yourself, your true desires, and your power to make a difference in your own life. It allows you to let yourself off the hook every single time, complaining rather than going after what you really want.

Collaboration on the other hand is very different! I love it because it’s where it’s all happening. It’s where your options are, where your power is, and where an exciting future lies.

Collaboration is recognizing that current situations are tweaking you only to help you break out of old habits and patterns.

Collaboration is about replacing familiar judgment with curiosity, asking a potent question like “So what am I going to do about that?” It ignites inspired action where you take responsibility for your own life. The greatest gift of collaborating is recognizing that the point of power lies within your brainstorming a solution and creating synergy from conversations with other brilliant minds.

On occasion, even a seasoned client may show up hoping for a lengthy conversation commiserating about the current conditions of their life and justifying why things are the way they are. What kind of coach would I be if I let them sit in that mindset? If never takes long before we’re moving in another energizing direction where the conversation gets fun and interesting; a healthy discussion rooted in possibilities, in seeing the invitation to think greater than current circumstances, to really go for what they want. It’s a place of progressive creation. It’s all about upleveling attitude, actions, and outcomes. It’s all about emotionally maturing!

Here’s the thing; we’re the great creators of our lives, all of us, all the time. Look around at what you’re currently experiencing and ask “Am I creating what I DO want or what I don’t want? Am I collaborating or merely commiserating?” Now make a decision to replicate or recreate what you’re doing. Choose wisely.

Find a fellow collaborator, someone who is as committed to living a life of meaning and happiness as you are. Make that pinkie swear to consistently hold each other accountable to positive communication and solution oriented strategies. Strut a collaborative style. Go the distance. Leave the commiserating to someone else.